Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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