The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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