my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
