well you can't waste a boner
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
