the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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