i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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