The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles