I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
