there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
