No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
