last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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