I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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