dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
