I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
