Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
