My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
