did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
