I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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