she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
