turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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