i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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