So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
