I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
