remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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