ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
