And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
