So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
