This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
