i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i wish my penis had a tongue
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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