On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
