Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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