Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Randomize
