we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
