She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
