Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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