I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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