Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Actions speak louder than pants.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
