DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
