I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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