if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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