This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
