she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
