Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish they made helmets for livers.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
