Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
