just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
