my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
