Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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