He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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