i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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