Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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