she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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