After last night, I could never be a politician.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
