Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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