She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
