Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My cat gives me a boner
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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