If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
